focus

The real war is before the papers begin. If I win that war, the battle that comes after is half-won.

Those Midnight Messages

I believe that I may now know that the pain in losing something is only second to that of one making the conscious decision to allow something to be lost.

Just go if you have to. You must.

If this was what he had in mind then, I might just forgive.

Stop dwelling on the past

Live in the present and dream for the future.

Why

Why does it seems like it's all just about troubled souls, complex situations and failures one after another? And I'm not talking about myself.

Isn't there anyone who isn't troubled?

200th post.

200th post.

I guess I should constantly remember not to be so narrow-minded, so afraid.

There's a lot more out there that's more daunting than this. It's silly of me to be so frightened by what will almost certainly seem a trivial issue in the future. It's childish, fruitless and perhaps uncalled for (as I've probably concluded prior to today).

People will laugh, and I the first one to do so.

Stop shying away from uncertainty.

Back straight, confident, gaze firm with eye contact.

I may not have traversed a thousand states, but I'm hoping that I'll one day reach that level of experience and maturity. Mentally, if not physically.

Silly, silly me.

Hear the music now. =)


PS: I need either a new pair of headphones or a hi-fi. Both of them are dying quickly.

Just This

How much does it
take for me
to see how much I have
exactly, how much
that I don't need to turn with hope
to others, that
I don't need to wish too much
and when
I don't have to dry anyone's
tears

Mine

Soft rustle of leaves, unheard
amongst the pattering
too of rain
Shine of the sun, soundless
fighting, breaking though
triumphant, in
the midst of dense cloud
Wash of the water, clean
too far to be felt

Their smiles, silent
that do not go unnoticed
The joy, clear
resounding in the air
Along with laughter of a
colour, a vibrant red
hue not found in rainbows
there

The adventures, embarked
in my dreams
but by others
-watch, learn, feel-
Are better than any
way that I would have it
happen.

How much does it take
for me to see, just
what, exactly, what
is it that's me

I think,
Just this.

Postscript

Though after that post I just made two days ago, I feel that there is one particular area where I've failed truly, utterly, completely.



- He's just too smart for me.

Is there always a reason to smile?

I realise that even with the workload piling high, with blocks (and thus impending doom) looming over me, a music exam barely two days before blocks and barely two days from now and all other flail-inducing factors, I simply do not have any reason to be grumbling about life and all else in general. I shouldn't need to feel moody, frustrated or even angry. There are much worse things in life, and all that I've mentioned above aren't candidates for that.

And thus, I'm pretty glad that, well, I haven't been moody, frustrated or angry at anything. Yet.

But well, I couldn't stay that wee bit sense of insecurity, inferiority and "I fail at everything!" kind of feeling.

Okay, I admit, it's not a "wee bit". It's huge enough to float an island on.

But that's only because I seem to be suffering from some severe brain information organisation problem. Now in addition to my usual short term memory, I seem to be failing even in organising my thoughts. But I'm still pretty clear about "ah, what nice rainy weather. I want to sleep now..." types of thinking. It's just that when it comes to notes and notes and more notes, the brain takes leave and goes on a holiday to some place not experiencing strange monsoon weather/storms/global warming/etc.

It even takes me so long to think up what to write in the next paragraph over here, when I clearly had something to say not that long ago.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. I was just thinking of expressing my realisation that most of us could do a little more in feeling happy. (I could too, that's why.) It's alright if you're like me and burst into chants of "I'm so dead, I'm so dead, I'm so dead..." under your breath whenever something gets you all flustered, so long as you, like me, don't actually believe that it's the end. There's always a way out, somewhere, so long as you haven't been actively making sure that you don't have a way out.

What a convoluted way of saying things.

All I wanted to say was: be happier, be more optimistic! Happiness is contagious in most cases, and I guess the best way to make everyone happy is to be happy yourself. But remember to share the happiness, and the love.

That's mostly a note to myself too, of course. My pessimism never seems to abandon me entirely. It keeps coming back for more (more what? I dunno.) but I shall write this in my rarer, more hopeful times, in attempt to extinguish most of the pessimism that lie in wait to pounce on me in the most crucial times. One of which would be coming up very soon.

Besides, what about my goal to bring happiness to the people around me? I guess it has to start with filling my glass of optimism not only half full, but entirely full! It's quite a long shot, but it's a goal! It's something to work towards. If goals were as easy as snapping your fingers - hey wait, I can't do that- I mean, if goals were as easy as ABC, then it wouldn't be a goal anymore I suppose. We all need a little bit of ambition as motivation sometimes.

With all that said, I guess I shall head back to studying. Or sleeping, considering that it's no longer Wednesday night but Thursday morning. And I have to wake up early tomorrow, to meet a friend! Hopefully two brains are better than one and I'll actually get around to assimilating information effectively into my brain tomorrow. Hopefully!

Instincts

How do I stop this clenching feeling in my heart every time I see it?

Maybe I have something to say

This day is so special, yet it's just like any other day.

But if it's special just because it comes only once in four years, then it's probably the same sort of superficial special that I treat some things like. What does it mean, for something to be special just because it's rarer? I'm not sure if that's how the definition of special goes.

Besides, in that case, shouldn't everything, every moment be special? After all, every moment occurs only once. Yesterday should be special because yesterday isn't going to occur ever again. (Unless, of course, you're being funny and referring to today as tomorrow's yesterday, so yesterdays get chances to occur all the time.) But what I mean is, 13th August 2007 isn't going to occur ever again. It's special. So is 8th Feb 1992, 21st April 2003, and whichever date you choose to name.

But I hope there's one at least thing special about today that is not about the date. I hope that I've rediscovered the meaning of solitude.

the Faith in Humanity

The phrase 'I think I've lost all faith in humanity' seems rather popular these days. I wonder when such pessimism has started to invade our lives. Or has it been there right from the beginning?

Have our expectations just increased or have we really become such a disappointing mess?

On some days, I think I lose all faith in humanity too.

I'll keep my mouth shut and so will you

I would appreciate it if some people showed a little more sensitivity.

Why is it that these days I seem to be asked many questions which I'd rather not answer? And why is it that some people are so persistent in their pursuit for the answer, whatever it may be? I'm not sure if I even have the answers in the first place. Why can't my wishes be respected at times?

I mean it when I say "Please don't do this." I don't use the word "please" lightly.

Like a post-it note

I wonder what will happen to this place, the host of sporadic, infrequent posts.

Though the posts are few, I believe that each time I had written here, I had really meant what I said. Or at least I'd believed what I had written. It's not easy, to maintain a constant flow of truth to be made public.

I think I write with considerably more ease with a muse.

I remember that I wrote a story on muses once.

Yet I do not have one now.

I am looking forward to the day when my muse returns, whenever that will be.

I want my inspiration back.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I don't know when it was that I stopped trusting people I once trusted.

果然

为何有点失恋的感觉呢？

Wishes

Despite my attempts at letting go, memories still come to haunt me.

It's been five weeks. I suppose any other person might have given up by now. But I keep telling myself, I am not just any other person. I must certainly be stronger than that. To have faith in myself and others.

Though hope dwindles, at least I don't cry so much anymore.

You already know exactly what I want for Christmas.

On the different feel of the wind on different parts of the road

There are times where one feels inexplicably happy, for nothing more than good weather and having the time to do nothing at all.

No studying, no homework, no quarrels. Just plain, simple enjoyment of the present moment. Just truthful and inquisitive miniature explorations of the environment. The school's nicer when it's emptier, in my newfound opinion.

Perfect for making discoveries of our own, and relieving memories.

For some reason I find myself relieving all sorts of memories today, ranging from those in lower Primary till more recent ones in NY. Yet before today, these same memories had been completely lost to me.

Perhaps there's something about getting less than 5 hours of sleep last night.

But it's still more likely to have been caused by that inexplicable happiness and peace, from having the right people around, the right amount of sunlight, the serenity, the bees flying around (and landing on me), and of course, having that comfortable, consistent assurance of the breeze blowing.

It's a warm embrace.

A completely beautiful one, and once again, I experience the themeless beauty of the present.

December brings a turn

Letting go a little is probably the right thing to do now. Not only do I feel more relaxed all of a sudden, I suppose it also benefits others in whichever way relevant to their case. Fewer worries and less bothering from me. Yeah, I suppose it's the best thing to do, for now.

Impose fewer expectations on myself, and on others. It makes things slightly easier, I suppose.

At least now I won't be that disappointed when my dreams end up shattering into a million pieces.

Getting Frayed at the Edges

It's not working. It's not working!

Ah, dammit.

Don't tell me I've been chasing a distant dream all along.

I'll be waiting at the usual place

I can't help it.

Every so often, I'll end up waiting again.

Whether it's fruitful or not, I'll still end up waiting. I'm terrified of losing things. Just so, so terrified.

Even after telling myself that it's probably not worthwhile to be so worked up over everything, I still end up waiting.

Sometimes I get too possessive over some things. It doesn't help, but I can't help it.

Someone says, to be enlightened in life, is to understand how to let some things go. Not to give up upon it, but to let it go. Giving up doesn't equate to letting go. The responsibilities are still yours; you cannot escape from them.

Stubbornly holding on to things that you shouldn't isn't a wise approach, the same person says, that even in death, you still cannot let go. But this is just the willful nature of humans. Some humans, at least. I fear I might just be one of them.

Sometimes, I'm too afraid and too weary to do much but to wait, and hope.